I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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