You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
