I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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