help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
