remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
