and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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