I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
