my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
