i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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