Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
