Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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