you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
