Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it's like iHOP with fire
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
