Umm I'm too high to move.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
