I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Two words: blizzard sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
