Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
