Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
