I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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