god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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