we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
