My cat gives me a boner
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
