I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
