im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
