Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
