Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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