you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
