meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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