just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
