Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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