The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
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I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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