If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
