WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
