Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
