what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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