I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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