Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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