I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
