I think im going to throw up on grandma
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
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We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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