I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
