Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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