She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
