I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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