I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
