I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
