i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
