I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
