I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
