so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.