i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...