My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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