Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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