Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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