alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
