I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
