U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
