new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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